Sunday marked the beginning of the Jain holiday Paryushana, which lasts eight days and is a time for intensive self-introspection. Most people associate Paryushana with fasting, and it is widely believed that fasting increases one's spiritual awareness. On Monday I did upvas, which is a full day's fast with no food, and water only between sunrise and sunset. I'm not sure that I can say I was more aware of my soul, though in the evening hours I was definitely much more aware of how empty my stomach was. But I can understand the theory behind this practice - I have definitely experienced those times after an especially filling or heavy meal that I'm too groggy to focus on anything, much less connect with my soul (food coma, anyone?).
When I arrived at Manav Sadhna, the volunteer coordinator urged me to take some time each day to meditate. She said that the Ashram where I am working and living for these 15 weeks has incredible spiritual vibes, as Gandhi himself lived here some 80 years ago. So with Paryushana as another reason, I've been trying to put aside at least 20 minutes each day to sit quietly by myself and clear my mind. I'm approaching this whole meditation thing pretty blindly (the image that first came into my mind was Julia Roberts sitting with the toothless medicine man, saying "smile in your liver"). Since I'm just a beginner, clearing my mind completely is an impossible task. Instead, I've tried two different approaches. The first, is to meditate on a single idea or thought. The second, is to focus on my breathing and just observe the thoughts that pass through my mind.
I haven't been very successful with either. When I try to meditate on a single mantra, I usually find myself scolding my wandering mind, rather than internalizing the chosen words. And when I try to simply "observe the thoughts" in my mind, it's impossible for me to let them go without feeling some sort of emotional attachment or resentment.
I've decided against another upvas for the time being, but instead I've limited myself to one meal a day for the remainder of Paryushana. I'm hoping a couple more weeks of meditation practice, and maybe I'll make some progress.
Today, while talking with a fellow volunteer about my fast, she mentioned something that really struck a chord. She said that rather than fasting for any religious or spiritual purpose, she just wants to understand what it would feel like to go hungry.
Everyday I go into the slums and see children who often don't know when their next meal will be. It's so difficult to guess a child's age here, because usually a 10-year old will look like she's not older than six. I may feel hunger pangs after not eating for one day, but at least I know that there is food available to me if I want it, and definitely if I need it. Yesterday I went to one of Manav Sadhna's street schools, which is a collection of children who gather in their community everyday to learn reading and writing from an MS volunteer. Many of these children need to work during the day to support their family, and don't have time to go to school or study. At the end of the lesson, Kiranbhai, the teacher at this particular street school, passed out biscuits (cookies, to us Americans) to all of the students, and I could just see the hunger in some of their eyes.
Gandhiji also went hungry during his lifetime, but this was by choice as well. In 1932, he went on a 21-day hunger strike to protest the British authorities in India. The hunger strike was part of his practice of satyagraha, involving nonviolent protest.
Everywhere I go these days, Gandhiji's words seem to follow me. And somehow, he always has the right thing to say. The walls of Manav Sadhna and the volunteer house I'm staying in are covered with his aphorisms. When I am alone in the house, feeling lonely and unsure of what I'm doing all the way on the other side of the world from my family and school, I'll read his words telling me that "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others". Earlier today I was frustrated at myself and with the way people often treat me as a foreigner here. On a tile in the office of Gramshree, Manav Sadhna's sister organization, the words of Gandhiji explained to me that the actions and opinions of others are not a result of anything I have done or the person I am, but rather a reflection of their own world and reality.
The quote I've taken to heart most during my time here, is not Gandhiji's, but it comes to mind every time I panic about my short time here and the impact I can only wish to make.
"We can do no great things, only small things with great love." -- Mother Teresa
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